doubting my sanity as usual

Everything that I've gone through in the past month and a half has put a major glitch in my motivation. Horse was NQR after the three day groundwork clinic, I went broke trying to fix her, horse tried to commit suicide, I went even more broke after having to get the emergency vet out (um, insurance company, where the hell are you? didn't you get the paperwork I submitted?), hand walking and cold hosing and wrapping galore, I almost wrecked a tendon doing a shitty wrap job and then had to rehab her for that on top of everything else, and then she turned into a raging monster in all of her boredom.

Then, it was time to get back on and to my great surprise, she was really good. I had hope, and thought there was maybe a reason I pour my heart, soul and all my cash into this animal. Things went well for a week or two but then she started behaving progressively worse and worst during each ride. It started out with some wenchy ear pinning, then it grew into some sillies at the canter, then on Wednesday she straight-up tried to launch me into orbit. We were cantering to the right and she pulled her signature Lucy move: shove head down, pull reins out of rider's hands, wheeee! Though this scares the shit out of me every time, I was mad about a lot of different things and I was not going to let this spoiled horse get the best of me, so I jammed my heels down, picked her head up, prayed to god, and legged her on. She had swapped her leads (also an evasion she likes) and when I made her keep going, she fixed her front lead but not her hind. She was shocked that I didn't ask her to trot and fix it. Nope, I was not playing nice that day. If she wanted to be a jerk, then she could deal with the consequences. So we cross-cantered around a bit and someone who was watching said, don't you want to fix her lead? to which I replied, oh would you like to get on and ride her? no? ok.

Sigh.

After a few circles, she was really asking nicely to stop so we did a simple trot step and then back into the canter without incident. I ended the ride not long after that.

Lucy really picked the wrong day to mess with me and after that, she was a lot better, but I once again I was back to thinking "why do I even bother?"

So that night, I went home and defragmented my brain, went to bed early, and got up ready to try again on Thursday. I went to the barn after work, did my chores, and tacked Lucy up. She pinned her ears at me in the cross ties, and I gave her a solid WHACK in return. Oh, what do you know, she was instantly like, "omg can we please be friends? I don't want to fight."

After lunging, I got on and was all business. She didn't get much of a loose-rein warm up period; we really went straight to work. I rode her in my figure 8 bridle with the Herm Sprenger Aurigan snaffle, and then a rope halter over the bridle with a lead rope attached to it. My plan was to do some flatwork and then practice emergency dismounting, in hopes that I can teach her to stop when her human dismounts. She respects the rope halter much more than her normal leather halter, mostly because the rope halter demands respect. If she is neutral, the halter will be also. If she pulls back, though, the halter pushes on sensitive pressure points on her poll and face. It works great with horses that like to pull back against pressure because it will not break, and the pressure vanishes instantly when the horse relaxes.

The work under saddle went much better than on Wednesday, as it usually does when I am in this type of no nonsense mood. After we had gone through all the paces, including a million and three circles and about 65,000 transitions, I let her walk on a semi-loose rein. Without any warning, I let go of my reins and stirrups, held the end of the lead rope that was attached to her rope halter, and vaulted off the side. She spooked, spinning her butt away from me and trying to back up. I stood fast against her pulling back, and within a second or so she stopped pulling, though her face was saying, HOLY CRAP YOU ARE INSANE! I immediately let the tension go from the lead rope, walked up to her, and rubbed her face and praised her.

We went back to the mounting block to try again. This time I got back on and put her to work again at the trot. Once she was going fairly nicely, I did the same routine as I had at the walk. I had the same reaction from her but the spook was a little less dramatic and she settled down a fraction of a second faster. I praised her and we ended the evening on that.

I hope to get some video of this soon to show you all. I think it will take her some time to get used to it, but I do hope this will help mitigate any "run away" situations when she dislodges her rider in the future.

She hasn't shown any discomfort or unsoundness coming back into work, and her legs are looking fantastic. Her stifle wound is getting smaller and smaller each week and the fetlock wound is looking pretty good, too.

I am not sure if this unease is a phase, the early-winter-blues, or if I am really burned out. Two people have approached me asking about an off-farm lease, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might enjoy some time off. Then the other night I was flipping through some photos from the past year and we had such an incredible summer. I don't know what to do, so for now I will keep chugging along; I at least want to get her back to where she was before her accident. Then I will think about what I want to do long term.