I've been writing this entry in my head, and occasionally actually IN Blogger, for a month or so now, but it always seems so boring and unworthy off the "Publish" button.
Why? Because I have no horse, and this is a horse blog.
I've been going through a horse crisis of sorts. Horses make me depressed, and yet I miss them fiercely. I've ridden a handful of times but a few weeks ago when I rode Maddy's horse Brantley, I ate dirt because he casually refused the Smallest Crossrail on the Planet (after basically giving me a clear memo that he wasn't going to jump it approximately five strides out) in textbook form at the TROT, and like a total jerk I casually looked at the ground and fell right over his shoulder. So really, the whole thing was a FAIL and it hurt my soul more than it hurt my body, because what the hell happened to this?
Lucy is flourishing in her new home, which I am so grateful for. With a horse as unique and potentially difficult as she is, I am so relieved she is secure in a great situation with a girl who loves her even when she's nutty, and a trainer who is prepared to deal with her on good days and bad.
I've seen photos of her sleeping in a stall full of fluffy white shavings, being cuddled by everyone at the barn, and looking calm and happy. I've heard stories of her being fed lots of treats and munching on hay that's up to her knees in her stall. She gets lots of turnout and I can tell she's in the right place. If our story together had to end, I am grateful hers continues as it is.
I am sad and embarrassed that I failed and became another statistic. Girl gets pregnant. Girl has baby. Girl tries to keep horse, but just cannot handle it. Girl sells horse. Girl loses that whole part of herself.
Classic.
Not that I don't love being a mom, because Hannah is my greatest joy. I just wish I could have figured out a way to do it all.
I went to Equine Affaire with Maddy, Natalie and Lauren, who was up visiting for the weekend. They all bought things for their horses. I bought chocolate and ate my feelings. I just suck so much at being horseless.
So that this entry is not totally depressing, here are some recent photos. Hannah is now 8.5 months old. She says "dada", walks with a walker and also along couches or tables, crawls, high-fives, claps, and plays peek-a-boo. She's also realllly adorable:
Every photo of Hannah is prettier than the last. I don't think you have one single thing to be ashamed of or embarrassed of by having a baby and not being able to keep the horse. I'm only responsible for myself and I can hardly keep up with riding Molls more than 2-3 times a week. Not sure if it would help or make things worse but Mollie is always available for a ride from Auntie Kate :)
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself, horses will always be there when Hannah is bigger and more self-sufficient. The beauty of horses is the lack of time limit/expiration date; find the right partner(s) & you can rise into you golden years.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy this time with your beautiful family. Hannah is a gorgeous baby, her eyes are stunning and the photos you have are like a storybook of amazing.
Hannah is just beautiful. If you had to (temporarily) give up horses, what better reason?
ReplyDeleteAnd this is only temporary. You aren't another sad story. This is a mid session intermission, that's all.
We're all statistics one way or another. Love, live, laugh. You've done right by you and yours no reason for shame or guilt.
ReplyDeleteYou'll be ready and in a good place again soon. Think about, your new equine partner may not even be born yet! Or weaned.
Hannah is the most beautiful baby. What great photos! And I'm certain you'll be "with horse" again soon enough. =) Things we're passionate about don't stay absent from our lives forever.
ReplyDeleteso glad Lucy is doing well, and your baby is so beautiful! you'll figure the rest out in time. i constantly fielded calls at my old lesson barn from women who had left riding to start their families - and were ready to get back in the saddle. the horses will be there when you're ready for them :)
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me so sad :( But the pictures of Hannah are fantastic. I really really love the one of her and Cairo sitting together on the forest floor
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my babies I had to give up horses for a while- time and finances were the issues. But I found my way back and if you want to so will you. Be happy that you made the best decision for your circumstances. Keep riding when you can (and falling off if needed :) ).
ReplyDeleteI tried having a horse when my child was still a weency baby and it was really tough. I ended up selling him and taking a complete break until my daughter started school. Now I have a horse, but my priorities are definitely different. Taking a break will give you some perspective so that when you DO come back (and you will, I'm SURE of it) you won't be comparing your new horsie life to your old one. Plus, you never know, your baby might end up horse crazy!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful family :) Your sweet girl is adorable! I did not get Riva till I was 40 - so you have time...this is not forever, though it must feel that way. Hannah may end up being a horse crazy girl and it will be something you two can do together.
ReplyDeleteAgree with others above - I have many friends who simply took a break from horses while they raised their babies. After 5 or 6 years they were able to purchase a horse again, since the children were older. So, it's not forever. Just a hiatus. Plus at some point Hannah will ask for a pony. :)
ReplyDeleteAntidote for (temorary) horse-lessness -
ReplyDeleteone look at that beautiful little girl you made. For real. :D
That picture of Hannah and Cairo is STUNNING!
LOVE that photo of Hannah and your dog sitting on the path through the forest! All the photos are truly beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was horseless for a few months and then rode a friend's horse, I too fell off with 10.0 style and even got a giant bruise to show for it. I look back at that moment and smile. God's sense of humor. Horses humble us all. Sending you hugs as you get through the disappointment of having to make adult choices. I hope you keep blogging though!
I manage to hang on to my boy, but only because he's fairly unbreakable, trustworthy and in a group paddock with 24/7 turnout. So that means, yes, sometimes I won't see him for three weeks. And sometimes I won't ride for longer.
ReplyDeleteBut I have to let that go, because in the end - I still have a horse. And I consider myself one of the lucky ones - with two toddlers (3 1/2 & 18mnths) plus another little one due Feb next year... Horses just aren't something that I have enough time to do all the things I want to yet. It's a season.
Hopefully you'll find a way through this season in your life to hang onto the good horsey thoughts. It certainly doesn't have to be forever!
And your photos are simply stunning - so you know, cute baby cuddles make it better right? :) Hang in there Mama, you're doing a great job.
bonita of A Riding Habit
Love the Hannah pics. Also having lens envy, so clear! I honestly have no idea how owning a horse will work with two kids, I'm sure twice the guilt. Another horse will come into your life, maybe a large pony you can share with Hannah? That totally makes it more prudent right? ;)
ReplyDeleteGosh, Hannah is just so gorgeous! She's going to be a heartbreaker for sure. I'm not in your shoes [yet] but I try to tell myself that just because horses aren't in your life right now, doesn't mean they never will be again.
ReplyDeleteSo hang in there <3 <3
Give yourself more grace than you can muster - your life has changed, a whole new person is in it! You haven't lost a piece of yourself, you haven't changed, but your circumstances have. It's okay if it's like that for a while. You are still you! You're working hard in a whole new position as mother but you're still a horsewoman. So what if you take months, a year, several years or more off to settle and figure out this new life - you are doing the best you can. And when you do get to a place where you can get another horse, I like Kitty Kat's idea of a pony - something you can teach Hannah to ride on and ride yourself.
ReplyDeleteAs for failing - don't tell yourself that! We don't know how other people do it, we certainly don't know what goes on behind the scenes in order for them to do it, who knows what they are sacrificing.
You are no less a serious horsewoman for traveling this section of life without a horse. Just one who is focusing on the journey right in front of you. Give yourself a pat on the back and a high-five, you've earned it.
Omg I haven't read your blog in months, congrats on your daughter she is LOVELY! I honestly know what you mean about the whole horse thing/kids. My horse trainer is about to have her first baby and I can't think of a way to explain how it completely changes your life. I got some riding in last summer, but not nearly enough. Now I'm contemplating selling my green mare because I just don't know if I have the time and she deserves better- plus we are THINKING about having another baby which means like 2 years of not riding again. It's so hard to balance it and I want to be the mom that can do it all, but my priorities have changed. I think about riding and horses all the time. It will all come back around full circle! ;-)
ReplyDeleteYour family photos are wonderful! You will enter into horse-ownership when the time is right. It's much better to re-home your horse than to live them sitting in a field doing nothing when you can't handle it. You did the right thing :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to see a post from you! I've been checking every now and then. :) Your daughter is simply gorgeous! You should be very proud. Raising a family is (should be) a selfless act and you are doing wonderfully. I chose not to have children because I didn't want to take so much away from myself, my horses. I can imagine how you are feeling, but please don't be down. Time flies, children grown fast. Who knows, maybe Hannah will LOVE them too and then you can go riding together someday!
ReplyDeleteHappy to hear from you...I wish there was an answer but I think it is a rare person who can do babies and horses although it is possible. Being a good mom is the most important job you have right now - enjoy it!
ReplyDelete