I've been writing this entry in my head, and occasionally actually IN Blogger, for a month or so now, but it always seems so boring and unworthy off the "Publish" button.
Why? Because I have no horse, and this is a horse blog.
I've been going through a horse crisis of sorts. Horses make me depressed, and yet I miss them fiercely. I've ridden a handful of times but a few weeks ago when I rode Maddy's horse Brantley, I ate dirt because he casually refused the Smallest Crossrail on the Planet (after basically giving me a clear memo that he wasn't going to jump it approximately five strides out) in textbook form at the TROT, and like a total jerk I casually looked at the ground and fell right over his shoulder. So really, the whole thing was a FAIL and it hurt my soul more than it hurt my body, because what the hell happened to this?
Lucy is flourishing in her new home, which I am so grateful for. With a horse as unique and potentially difficult as she is, I am so relieved she is secure in a great situation with a girl who loves her even when she's nutty, and a trainer who is prepared to deal with her on good days and bad.
I've seen photos of her sleeping in a stall full of fluffy white shavings, being cuddled by everyone at the barn, and looking calm and happy. I've heard stories of her being fed lots of treats and munching on hay that's up to her knees in her stall. She gets lots of turnout and I can tell she's in the right place. If our story together had to end, I am grateful hers continues as it is.
I am sad and embarrassed that I failed and became another statistic. Girl gets pregnant. Girl has baby. Girl tries to keep horse, but just cannot handle it. Girl sells horse. Girl loses that whole part of herself.
Not that I don't love being a mom, because Hannah is my greatest joy. I just wish I could have figured out a way to do it all.
I went to Equine Affaire with Maddy, Natalie and Lauren, who was up visiting for the weekend. They all bought things for their horses. I bought chocolate and ate my feelings. I just suck so much at being horseless.
So that this entry is not totally depressing, here are some recent photos. Hannah is now 8.5 months old. She says "dada", walks with a walker and also along couches or tables, crawls, high-fives, claps, and plays peek-a-boo. She's also realllly adorable: