Tuesday, December 11, 2012

doubting my sanity as usual

Everything that I've gone through in the past month and a half has put a major glitch in my motivation. Horse was NQR after the three day groundwork clinic, I went broke trying to fix her, horse tried to commit suicide, I went even more broke after having to get the emergency vet out (um, insurance company, where the hell are you? didn't you get the paperwork I submitted?), hand walking and cold hosing and wrapping galore, I almost wrecked a tendon doing a shitty wrap job and then had to rehab her for that on top of everything else, and then she turned into a raging monster in all of her boredom.

Then, it was time to get back on and to my great surprise, she was really good. I had hope, and thought there was maybe a reason I pour my heart, soul and all my cash into this animal. Things went well for a week or two but then she started behaving progressively worse and worst during each ride. It started out with some wenchy ear pinning, then it grew into some sillies at the canter, then on Wednesday she straight-up tried to launch me into orbit. We were cantering to the right and she pulled her signature Lucy move: shove head down, pull reins out of rider's hands, wheeee! Though this scares the shit out of me every time, I was mad about a lot of different things and I was not going to let this spoiled horse get the best of me, so I jammed my heels down, picked her head up, prayed to god, and legged her on. She had swapped her leads (also an evasion she likes) and when I made her keep going, she fixed her front lead but not her hind. She was shocked that I didn't ask her to trot and fix it. Nope, I was not playing nice that day. If she wanted to be a jerk, then she could deal with the consequences. So we cross-cantered around a bit and someone who was watching said, don't you want to fix her lead? to which I replied, oh would you like to get on and ride her? no? ok.

Sigh.

After a few circles, she was really asking nicely to stop so we did a simple trot step and then back into the canter without incident. I ended the ride not long after that.

Lucy really picked the wrong day to mess with me and after that, she was a lot better, but I once again I was back to thinking "why do I even bother?"

So that night, I went home and defragmented my brain, went to bed early, and got up ready to try again on Thursday. I went to the barn after work, did my chores, and tacked Lucy up. She pinned her ears at me in the cross ties, and I gave her a solid WHACK in return. Oh, what do you know, she was instantly like, "omg can we please be friends? I don't want to fight."

After lunging, I got on and was all business. She didn't get much of a loose-rein warm up period; we really went straight to work. I rode her in my figure 8 bridle with the Herm Sprenger Aurigan snaffle, and then a rope halter over the bridle with a lead rope attached to it. My plan was to do some flatwork and then practice emergency dismounting, in hopes that I can teach her to stop when her human dismounts. She respects the rope halter much more than her normal leather halter, mostly because the rope halter demands respect. If she is neutral, the halter will be also. If she pulls back, though, the halter pushes on sensitive pressure points on her poll and face. It works great with horses that like to pull back against pressure because it will not break, and the pressure vanishes instantly when the horse relaxes.

The work under saddle went much better than on Wednesday, as it usually does when I am in this type of no nonsense mood. After we had gone through all the paces, including a million and three circles and about 65,000 transitions, I let her walk on a semi-loose rein. Without any warning, I let go of my reins and stirrups, held the end of the lead rope that was attached to her rope halter, and vaulted off the side. She spooked, spinning her butt away from me and trying to back up. I stood fast against her pulling back, and within a second or so she stopped pulling, though her face was saying, HOLY CRAP YOU ARE INSANE! I immediately let the tension go from the lead rope, walked up to her, and rubbed her face and praised her.

We went back to the mounting block to try again. This time I got back on and put her to work again at the trot. Once she was going fairly nicely, I did the same routine as I had at the walk. I had the same reaction from her but the spook was a little less dramatic and she settled down a fraction of a second faster. I praised her and we ended the evening on that.

I hope to get some video of this soon to show you all. I think it will take her some time to get used to it, but I do hope this will help mitigate any "run away" situations when she dislodges her rider in the future.

She hasn't shown any discomfort or unsoundness coming back into work, and her legs are looking fantastic. Her stifle wound is getting smaller and smaller each week and the fetlock wound is looking pretty good, too.

I am not sure if this unease is a phase, the early-winter-blues, or if I am really burned out. Two people have approached me asking about an off-farm lease, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might enjoy some time off. Then the other night I was flipping through some photos from the past year and we had such an incredible summer. I don't know what to do, so for now I will keep chugging along; I at least want to get her back to where she was before her accident. Then I will think about what I want to do long term.

21 comments:

  1. I'm sorry she's being such a turd coming back to work. :(

    As for your uneasiness...I felt very similarly when I came off Promise and broke my wrist in about a bazillion places back in 2001. I wasn't able to get back on after the fall, and I wasn't able to ride for 3 weeks because of the level of pain I was in. When I finally got the clearance from the doctor to ride "carefully" in the cast, it was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to do. Unlike Lucy, Promise wasn't laid up; in fact, I paid my instructor an arm and a leg for training rides for the 3 weeks and they'd made a lot of progress. But I was really totally unnerved and scared...and put off riding as long as I possibly could. Finally my mom (who still owned Promise at that point) said, ride her or I sell her. Riding seemed the lesser of two evils given that choice, but it took me months to rebuild my confidence and I was never able to get her over the gate we'd been jumping that night again.

    There's a reason they say to get right back on after you fall off...and it really does mess with you when you can't.

    You guys improved with leaps and bounds this year, you had an amazing summer. Keep pushing yourself and Lucy, but take it slow, too. It will pass with some time in the saddle.

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    1. I am so grateful that I don't really have an agenda with her right now. Though I am the only person who is like, you need to get back on!, I think it would stress me out a lot to have someone over my shoulder giving me a time frame. I am not afraid to ride her; I just don't feel like dealing with her shit, you know? lol.

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  2. Oh Kate, I want to high five you! Sometimes these mares need a bit of tough love to remind them where they need to belong in the horse human relationship for safety's sake. I'm so glad you whacked her and she quit being a shit!!

    Don't get too upset. I think if you have a look at the calendar, pick something in Jan/Feb to work towards (a small schooling show or a clinic or even a lesson with someone really cool?) then you can get your focus back and it sounds like some serious work will really help Lucy right now. She certainly is NOT an easy horse!

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    1. It's funny that I want to have this loving, kind, soft relationship with her and yet she really just needs a good whack sometimes. Ugh!

      That's a really good idea - I'd love to get back into dressage lessons with her.

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  3. My horse has been pulling a lot of bull the past couple of months too (akin to Lucy's drop head and run off with owner on back) and it is all very frustrating. I'm hoping that it is the weather or a phase. Either way, I understand how these types of things can really get you down. Things will look up. You're doing the right thing, and clearly she is starting to understand that you're the boss.

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    1. I agree, I am pretty sure I usually have a tough time right around November/December because it gets cold, the days are short so turnout is truncated, and she goes through her nasty transitional heats.

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  4. I totally understand where you're coming from...I had a bah hum bug post last week too. I think a lot of mine is overthinking from winter blues! I think Grayson despises negative energy.

    Anyhow, maybe do something completely different and fun! A little change of pace may be good for you and who knows, in a bit, you may pick back up where you left off before the accident. Grayson has taught me a lot but most recently it's been that sometimes a break is good for everyone. He always comes back strong and eager to please!

    Chin up...you've made tremendous progress with her over the past year! :)

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    1. Good idea. Last night I took it all back to basics and we did a bit of lunging in side reins, and she was super. She is such a challenging horse but the rewards are well worth the effort. I just need to ramp myself up for the long winter ahead.

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  5. Ugh. I hate feeling that way. Mares like Lucy (her brilliant self) can be so challenging, all the time. Like you said, she's always testing to see who the alpha is. IT's fine if it's you, but she isn't going to let it pass without checking.

    Some people love it. Some hate.

    Some of us buy old red OTTB geldings. So it goes. :)

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    1. That's just it. She is so smart and I don't have to teach her anything twice under saddle, yet I feel like we have to go over the same shit repeatedly when it comes to manners and who is the boss! It is so frustrating.

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  6. She is a difficult child. But I'm so glad she' came through her injuries just fine.

    You ride her so well, and your leaser did fine with her, but I wonder how an off-farm lease would work out. She is a lot of horse.

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    1. Both people who expressed interest in the lease situation are very experienced horsepeople. I wouldn't let her go to just anyone - I'd be worried about the people and the horse, since she is challenging to say the least! Both of them are also fairly close to me so I could easily go see her.

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  7. I think it's the time of year...mine are being idiots too. I am in that up wow things are going good - to wow why do I have to have two idiot useless horses. It's definitely been a whirlwind month for riding for a lot of people. Why don't you take a month off and give Lucy some time off too? Maybe you both need some time to refresh.

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    1. The problem is I am a rough boarder, so there is never truly any time "off" for me. Whether I ride or not, I still have to go to the barn every single day in all weather and take care of her. Also, she just got a month off to heal from all of her various injuries and it hasn't made her relaxed or happy; she is a raging lunatic when she's bored.

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  8. This may sound weird, but in reading what you wrote, you seem to be in a totally natural spot emotionally. (Sucky, but natural)

    I cannot even BEGIN to comprehend the stress you have been through since Lucy came back lame from the clinic. Talk about adrenal fatigue! Plus, you were managing a full time job, a hubby, coming off a cancer scare with your dog, and your art/crafts for the holidays...not to mention THE HOLIDAYS.

    Just give it all a minute. And by minute, I mean like a month. Play with her...spend quality time with her now that you don't have bandages to change and watch every step she takes like a hawk.

    You need to heal, too.



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    1. Karen, your comment really stuck with me after I read it last night. Thank you for your kind words. You're right, this has been a super stressful year (again). And there has been other stuff going on that isn't really horse related so I haven't posted about it here, but life is just not easy in any sense right now! I don't mind persevering but it would be so great to have one thing that goes without a hitch. I am lucky to have Kenny because he is very supportive and always tries to help me sort out any issues without going off the deep end.

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    2. Great hubby's are the best :-)

      Sending you ((hugs)) over the interwebs!

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  9. Let's get those videos up! You guys looked great that night and she's learning fast. Sometimes we fall back and have to start over but when you get there, you both will be smarter, stronger, and your bond will be greater. There was a time when I stopped riding LB after a comment someone made about me being to heavy to be on him. It was about 6 months before I said screw it and climbed back on his back and from that moment things were different and although I had to go through all the BS all over again, you saw us in the end. If anyone can do it with Ms. Lu, you can :) Plus... Look at all the support you have! We <3 Lucy and Kate!

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    1. And I love you guys, and occasionally Lucy! ahhaha :) Thanks girl, you're the best :)

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    2. ps - I cannot imagine what kind of drug that person who thought you were too heavy for Lucky was smoking. What an insensitive and incorrect comment.

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  10. Yes for video sharing. Lucy is a bright bright girl and apparently great at self perservation (although your vet bills don't agree) so she's scared about new things and reacting like "OMG!!" but I think the more exposure AND ending it on a good note so she can process it, OR switching it up will lead to total total success! :) Chin up, it's hard not to feel deflated regardless and no sunshine does.not.help.

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